notes (collection 1)

PROLOGUE

Then, I woke up. I could not stand it anymore. I knew I was dreaming. But, at first, it felt so real. I could still feel that weight on my chest, that panic and my face wet from crying. I cried in my dream, but when I woke up it felt like it had actually happened. I could feel my face swollen from crying and that feeling you get when you cry so much that your eye hurts. It felt like that. But, it was not true. Something like that will never happen in my life. 

*

A WASTE OF TIME

“This is so stupid, right?” 

“I cannot say. Perhaps, it is just you.”

“I don't think so. Everything and everyone is just so confusing. I cannot even think about it now. My brain literally hurts.”

“Not everything needs an answer. Let some mystery remain in the nature. If you will find everything out, will anything be left for other people?”

“But I cannot live like this. This is a bubble. I do not even know when this ends, or when I might be enjoying life and everything just ends. How can this go on forever? A human being is just a lowly creature. Is his story meant to go on forever?”

“Honestly, you should not be bothering. Aren’t you enjoying your life these days, you told me just yesterday. You might just think about these questions and try to find out their answers, when, suddenly, you realize that you just wasted all the time you had.”

“I do not think that trying to look for answers and explanations is a waste of time.”

“You are right. But those questions might not even have any answers.”

“Everything has an explanation. There is nothing in this universe that cannot be explained. But we just need people who bother to find out.”

“Everything that exists can be explained. What about the things that just do not? What if they exist just in your mind? Do you think that they can be explained too?”

*

JUST DIE

Thank you for being so nice to me. Thank you, World. Perhaps I do not deserve your kindness, I never did and never will, but all I know is that I am trying. That is what you need to know. I am trying so hard. Sometimes, I feel like all this is unnecessary, I can never be the person that people like or even the person they can stand. I do not know how to fix this. I do not know how to be good, how to not hurt people again, and how to learn to adjust. My physical form, this foolish body with no purpose whatsoever, is as perturbed as my metaphysical form. I do not even know if I exist. I do not even know how a person like me can exist. Maybe it is just a long dream, where I am being taught what happens when a person has an attitude like this, how the society tears her arms and legs apart, how they wander around foolishly throughout their lives looking for purpose, when all they had to do was sit quietly in their rooms, let a little education get into their brains, make a career, serve the society, build a family, and slowly grow anile and just die. This peaceful verb, which we all fear so much, is the solution to every problem. So, have you sick of your dumb brother who disturbs you in your sleep every day? Die. Just pick it up out of nowhere, and just die. 

*

A DUMB BELIEF

What is the use of all this? Am I supposed to take birth, wonder about what all this is, and then die? This is a waste of time. Oh, and wait, what if even time is not a thing, and all that is taking place is a notorious cycle of beliefs and disbeliefs. I said it, when a person is born, all that takes place is a dumb belief, because you believe that you exist, but no, my friend, this is nothing, you do not. And then at some point, you die, and this is disbelief, a beautiful destruction of all your dreams and accomplishments. Perhaps, even these dreams and accomplishments do not exist and you are being fooled my friend, you are being fooled. You work so hard to earn something, to achieve something, and to finally live the life you wanted to live, but now it is time for you to die, my friend. So get your bags packed because you are going to the further, alone, without any of your things, and you do not know where. Why would you, in the first place, feel so assured about going to an unknown place, alone, empty, with something you do not know who is? What is this something? God. Have fun. 

*

TIRED

It is just all so blue. I feel cold; my feet are freezing, even after wearing socks the whole time. My fingers are almost numb. But I do not know why I am inclined to write, just something. The air before me is too cold. I can slouch under my thick blanket, but I am sitting upright. My brain, oh brain, it hurt hours ago, bursting with a maelstrom of emotions, but now it is just like a calm ball lying on the floor. I feel like my senses are numb, from everything, and I do not feel anything anymore. Crying comes to my mind but I just cannot cry anymore, I do not want to cry. Crying does not bring any relief to me, it just feels like I spilled a little water from my eyes and there is just no use of it. Crying makes me feel even more miserable and currently I am not in a state to afford this. My eyes are puffy from the crying. I just want this feeling to go away. I am tired of feeling so miserable, so desperate and so down. I thought good and bad in life is temporary. Happiness seems to be all so temporary for me, but not the sadness. I can feel it, almost every day, some days are sad but others are just unbearable. I cannot ignore this feeling. It is just sitting right there, gawking at me, waiting for answers. I do not have any. I have not figured anything out. I do not know why I am facing this, what I did to deserve this and when this will end. All I know is that I am all alone in this; there is no one by my side and no one who will actually understand what I am feeling. For that they would have to feel it themselves. 

Currently, as I told you, I am tired of human beings, all of them. Just now, when I am starting to realize what life is, when people are telling me to forget the hurtful things someone has said to me and backing it with the fact that, “All of them do it. It is okay. Just forget about it,” I am also learning to accept the world as it is. I should not try to change anything or expect any changes in the behaviour of others because that will just end in disappointment. Human beings turn out to be a huge disappointment. And yes, he who thinks this world will improve because of him is just another fool. To live in this world happily, you are supposed to accept it the way it is, shut yourself up, and if necessary, change yourself, because that is possible. So, Mr. Charles Darwin talked about ‘survival of the fittest’? Let me tell you, I am finally starting to realize, being fit is being able to adapt, listen to others, not a disappointment, always resourceful, helpful, graceful, beautiful and approachable in case of a woman, and strong, unemotional, and outward in case of a man. What this stupid world does not realize is that those of us who do might change ourselves, and those of us who just do not, will stay bullying the others and causing hurt and pain to the others. This is how the world works. And in this case, the bully is, ma’am, you. 

*

WHAT IF GRAVITY FALLS?

I thought, “Odds are, we are living in a computer simulation.” Thank you, as if that explains anything. Moreover, I have been in my room for like a month now. I do not know how my neighbourhood looks like anymore or if it has changed a bit. The truth is that I do not bother anymore. I do not care what other people are up to and I used to care so much. I used to walk and look at the sky, wondering how deep it really is and what if the gravity falls to that direction and I fall into the sky. This thought makes me want to experience it. But you do not control the nature, it controls you.

All I do is go to my school, which is the only time I really step out of my house, and come back, sleep, study and think about so many things and almost end up crying. But I do know that I have to study, because my exams are coming up, so I read my books while tears are dripping down my face. I wipe away my tears as if nothing had happened and believe me, I am a master at hiding all of this. If I do something objectionable, or something I am embarrassed of, like crying and sharing my feelings with others, I just clean it up, like the blood and mess of the murder I just did. And it does feel like a murder, like a very real one, the one I feel so much pain after, regret, guilt and emotions all boiled up inside of me. And who was the victim? My heart.

*

ANSWERS

I thought life improves. I thought if you wait, have patience and give it time, life heals everything. My wounds have healed on their own; nobody has done my work for me. I have waited. I have had patience. I am ready to have more. I can wait more. But there is at least one answer that I need. I have waited long. I have not been happier with my life. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be truly satisfied, from the heart? I do not want to fake it anymore, at least not to myself. I know I am not happy. I crave better friendships. I want to make my loved ones happy. I can do that at the expense of my happiness. But I need a way. I need answers. I want to be clear that if I wait more, there is something so much better waiting for me in the future. I do not want to wait here. I want to go ahead.

*

NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I don’t understand this. I feel like I might give up very soon.

*

EPILOGUE

Hello, this is Octavia. I am an AI. And, you are?